Wednesday 6 January 2016

#LetsTalkAnxiety | Opening Up

If you don't like personal posts then this really will not be the one for you. Today is much more of a serious post. I have been keeping this sat in my drafts for I don't know how long. I'd go back to it every now and then, decide to change parts of what I wrote or cut parts out, go to publish it and then think 'I just can't do it!' I have just been so scared of showing people the other side to me that most don't see. There are parts of my life I try and keep relatively private and this is one of them. 

Not too long ago, the lovely Robyn started a new project #LetsTalkAnxiety aimed at raising awareness of the illness. As I struggle quite badly with anxiety, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to finally be open and honest with people, as I don't really like to talk about it but I feel like I need to. I feel like today is the day I have to get everything off my chest. 
 
The thing with anxiety is that some don't realise that it is actually a mental health illness. The words 'mental health' often get thrown around so much and often doesn't get taken seriously. People think that anxiety isn't an illness but it is. They think it isn't serious, but it is. The amount of times I have had people saying things like 'It's all in your head', 'you don't need to worry about something so stupid' or 'you could have a real illness' is beyond me. I mean, how insensitive can people be? I can guarantee that it REALLY does not make me feel any better. It makes me feel 10x worse. 

The main reason I really didn't want to have to write this post is because of those types of people. The type of people who would say I was attention seeking if I blogged about it and making myself worse if I kept it to myself. 

Like many others who suffer from anxiety, there are certain situations and places that trigger mine. I suffer from panic attacks. Thankfully, not as many as I used to but still a lot. I get anxious at just about anything that involves me being in busy public situations. So, train stations, actually being on the train, the tube, buses, shops and so on and so forth. The thing with my panic attacks and anxiety is that I KNOW that the situation is more often than not, not dangerous, but my mind decides to think otherwise. 

When struggling with panic attacks your brain goes into 'fight or flight' mode, and 99% of the time I want to run away from the situation (flight) but obviously that isn't possible for most situations, like if I'm stuck on the train or whatever. So as you can imagine, it causes my anxiety to fly sky high, I struggle to breathe and I seriously panic. It happens near enough every time I am faced with a situation like that, or similar. My brain recognises that I have been in a situation like this before, remembers how I reacted and then triggers that situation to be dangerous and causes the same feelings to reappear. 

I had my first ever panic attack on the tube down in London. It was packed and I was squashed in between dozens of people that I didn't know. The tube ride was only 5 minutes long, but it felt like hours. I remember standing there, shaking and crying and people around me were staring, making me feel a million times worse. I felt like all the life was being sucked out of me. Extreme, I know, but true. I felt like I had never felt before, the feeling of pure fear, that I wasn't going to make it out alive. I sound so stupid even talking about it because I know I was not in any danger what-so-ever but at the time, it felt like I was in a battlefield. 

So now, whenever I am faced with situations similar to this, I panic. I REALLY panic. There's times when I feel like I am so alone. I feel like I can't talk about it because people will never fully understand. People will never be able to completely help you and empathise with you, unless they have been through it themselves. It's why I find it so incredibly hard to deal with. I used to lock myself away and never talk about it, but it did in fact make me feel a lot worse. I always feel like I am just bothering people and being a burden. I need to learn that I'm not and that it is more than ok to talk about it. 

It's a battle, a mental and physical battle. But one day I hope to come out on the other end, a lot happier and free from my anxiety. However, like with most things, it takes time. I know it will take time and I accept that. I accept that it hasn't been and won't be an easy recovery, but I'm determined to get better! 

I also just want to point out that if any of you are also suffering from anxiety and panic attacks, please do speak to me if you feel comfortable. I would love to help you. 

Do you suffer from anxiety? Do you know someone else suffering from anxiety? Let me know!

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lots of love, 
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8 comments

  1. Aw hun. It's amazing that you have found the strength to talk openly and to write about this. I really hope this helps you! xx

    Jessie | allthingsbeautiful-x

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    1. Thank you so much lovely! I'm glad I've finally been able to speak my mind about it. It was so hard to write but I'm glad I made it! One step further on the road to recovery!

      Krystal x

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  2. Aww, how brave to write this! It always helps speaking about things even if personal, one of my friends suffers from anxiety too, x

    Shelise xx | SHELISES WORLD

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    1. Thank you so much! It was hard but I feel better now that I have talked about it!

      Krystal x

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  3. It takes a lot to be able to speak about something like this and I know exactly how you feel as I get anxiety too. I find it so much better being able to speak out about it as it gives you a sense of relief at the end. Also, it helps raise awareness about it which is so important as there is so much stigma attached to mental health it definitely needs to stop. xo

    C | Another Cinderella Story

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    1. I always find it helps me if I talk to other people who have anxiety also as they are genuinely the best ones that can help you, as they understand what you are going through.

      Krystal x

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  4. I suffer as well. I worry a lot! What if, what it? Great post!
    Ciara
    https://bellisssimo.blogspot.co.uk/

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